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when a negative becomes a positive: finding out we were expecting


{Photo of us in NYC by Masha Goltsvard. I love how our hands are on my belly. #foreshadowing}

We didn’t know it at the time, but there were 3 of us on our trip to New York this August.

Well, let me rephrase that. Michael was actually convinced I was pregnant. I didn’t think so because I had taken a test right before we left for New York and it was negative.

Yes, it was NEGATIVE but Michael was still convinced I was expecting. He was so convinced that he said we shouldn’t drink any wine while in New York, and I went along by limiting my coffee to just a cup a day.

{If you want, click here to see the full post about our trip and all of our photos}.

We got home from our trip on a Sunday night and the next night, after work, I picked up groceries. I went ahead and also grabbed a pregnancy test to confirm what the last test had said, that I was not pregnant. I wanted to be able to drink a large coffee the next morning without any guilt. As I took the test in our master bathroom, I was shocked when it came out POSITIVE. I had to laugh that Michael was right. I went downstairs and showed him and he replied with a big smile that he knew it.

The next day started a whirlwind of blood tests and doctor visits and finding a new doctor and feelings of happiness and worry. I just realized the day we saw that positive pregnancy test was exactly 4 months ago today. Today also marks 22 weeks with Pepper. (When we first Googled what size our baby was, it said the size of a peppercorn. So we’ve called our baby Pepper ever since then.)

A lot has happened in the last 4 months but for today I will simply say that God is good and pregnancy after loss is hard. All I know so far is loss. Loss. Loss. Loss. But now, there is LIFE inside of me. LIFE. I want to enjoy this time and I am so thankful for every single day we have with Pepper and for every single time I feel her move. At the same time, I have to be honest and say that I am ready for the next few months to fly by and for Michael and I to be able to hold our crying, breathing, healthy Pepper in our arms.

I am ready to start sharing more publicly about how we told our families the happy news, how we found out Pepper’s gender, and how we try to navigate all of the conflicting emotions of happiness and worry and sadness and excitement. ❤️

Thank you for all of your love and support friends!

-Colette