As we step closer to the month of June, I feel more and more compelled to share about Pepper’s little brother, Baby June. The month of June is already special to me because it holds so many loved one’s birthdays. Now it holds an even deeper place in my heart, and I would love to pay tribute to our sweet baby boy.
Back in October, after a late night Chiefs game, Michael and I found out we were expecting again. We were excited for another baby, yet anxious for the upcoming pregnancy. Our due date was in June, so we started calling our baby, Baby June. We told the happy news to our immediate family members by putting an adorable Big Sister shirt on Pepper. We saw Baby June’s heartbeat a few times. The last time his heartbeat was a little slower than where the doctor wanted it to be. I had a sinking feeling but tried my best to be hopeful. We waited a week to go back to the doctor for another ultrasound and during that time we went to the annual Bowties for Babies gala. At the gala, as we thought about all five of our children, I prayed June would be healthy. However, when we went to the doctor the next week on November 9th, Baby June’s heart was no longer beating.
We were once again heartbroken. We had done everything “right.” I took the right vitamins and pills, had all of the blood work done, and gone in for early checkups. It’s hard when you realize again that certain things in life are out of your control. A week after our appointment, I had an MVA so my body would properly let go and say goodbye to June. I was awake during the procedure, and Michael held my hand. It was painful, emotionally and physically. Afterward we found out our son had Trisomy 16, which caused his death. We thought about changing June’s name but it is what we called him during his whole life, and I have a Great Grandpa June, so we thought the name was fitting for our baby boy.
For two months I went back to the doctor’s office for weekly blood draws to watch my hormone levels drop. I eventually had to also have a hysteroscopy after an irregularity on a follow-up ultrasound.
I am sharing about June and my experience because his life matters.
We love him.
We miss him and we miss what this time should have looked like for our family.
I am sharing because not everyone knows how long it takes to physically and emotionally heal from a loss. It can take months to just physically be back to normal. It took me almost 5 months to be classified as back to normal by my doctor.
I share so you can have grace with people who suffer loss or suffer from any kind of infertility.
I share because even after sharing about our previous losses and taking Seasons of Hope photos for other women, I had feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and naïveté. I don’t want people to pity me or think my motives for sharing are selfish. I had to tell myself, like I’ve told other women, that it wasn’t my fault. That God loves me and all of my babies. That it is ok to share and honor my baby.
I share because June reminded me that life is beyond precious. It is really a miracle that any of us are here on Earth.
I share because God is good, even through the really hard times; actually especially during the hard times because that is when I collapse into his presence.
June also reminded me to try and let go and just breathe because I am not in control—God is. June and Bennett and my two other babies are safe in Heaven, which does give me comfort. I picture them all together, holding hands and twirling under the watchful gaze of angels and Jesus. I know I will be reunited with them one day.
*This is June’s Seasons of Hope photo. I am holding 5 flowers—4 yellow tulips for my children in Heaven and 1 pink tulip for Pepper.